Over time I have come to realize the Unspoken Rules that were within my family. Rules that caused a lot of heartaches and hurt but were never talked about. Those unspoken rules brought about four years of unbelievable physical pain in my life.It also created resentments that has taken me almost fifty years to uncover. Go with me as I share, Unspoken Rules.
Unspoken Rules
I have shared in my writings of, "Learn To Deal With It" and "The Years of Physical Pain," both were about the pain I went through, that no one knew of. The realization came to me a few weeks ago, that during those four years, not one family member ever came to me and asked how I was feeling. That revaluation has helped me understand why I had resentments from that time in my life. With the Lords help I have dealt with it and made peace. I can now write about what I learned.
There was a rule in the family I was to follow no matter what. It didn't matter if I was sick, hurt feelings, or even lied about, I was not allowed to complain, or contradict. If I broke that rule, I received a harsh tongue lashing from mom
There was also another rule that the whole family did follow. You did not ask questions of someone, because it would allow them the opportunity to complain. For four years, the physical, mental,and emotional pain was almost unbearable, but not one family member ever came to me and asked how I was feeling or what was going on with me. It has taken me almost fifty years to uncover the fact that I was holding resentments.
Mom knew I was in pain, she told me all women go through it, "You have to Learn To Deal With It." She wrote my excuses for school, I missed about five days every month, for three and a half years. She made all my doctor appointments. I was put on three strong medications, but she never watched over how much medication I was taking every month. Yet, in all that time, mom never sat down with me and asked, "Brenda, what is going on? How bad is the pain, how are you dealing with it?" She never asked how missing so much school or trips I had to cancel, was affecting me. She never asked what I was even thinking.
I have learned that the rules mom required me to follow were not fair."Don't complain." I needed to be able to complain. Possible I could have had surgery much sooner. That would have saved me the mental torment I went through, that nearly cost me my sanity.
If God had not placed Dr. Tosh in my life, I would not be here today. He recognized the mental state of mind I was in and knew I was on the verge of insanity. He also recognized that mom had no idea what was going on with me. Dr Tosh sat and talked to me about all of it just weeks before David and I were married. To this day I have never really talked to my family about that four years of my life.
Don't complain and don't ask questions are two rules I never want to experience again. Yet, they still affect me today. It is hard for me to speak up or defend myself when asked a question. Those rules were unfair, but looking back I know now that was how mom was raised. She never complained and if she did, she was scolded.
Is there unspoken rules in your life that have destroyed someone or caused a separation between you and a family member or a friend? Is there leftover hurts and resentments, that you are having to deal with forty, fifty, or even sixty years later? Maybe its never been dealt with or even recognized.Maybe no one even knows what the unspoken rules are or that they exist. How do you get past all of it?
In my case, it was having to allow God to search my heart for the things I had hidden away and would not look at. It is only God that can spread His love and forgiveness over the hidden things, so that we can remember, forgive, love, and finally have peace deep within our hearts. Allowing God to search and draw out the hidden secrets, is when His grace can take us deeper still.
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