With all the storms and death and destruction, we hear others make comments that really are offensive. People mean well but really don't understand what someone is going through. One of those comments is, Learn To Deal With It. However until you know and have some understanding of what you are going through, it is hard to deal with. As a young teenager, I heard that comment and it was devastating to me. What followed was four years of physical pain that no one understood and no one knew why. That one comment nearly destroyed my life.
Because of that experience, today I have a lot more compassion and understanding for others. I do not look at someone and simply say, that's part of life and you just deal with it. God gives us knowledge and wisdom and then grace to walk through the tough times that we don't understand. He can use those times to help us grow better or we can become bitter at life. For me, I refuse to be bitter just because we didn't know all the facts.Walk with me as I share a very difficult time in my life.I share both of these writings together because they are so much a part of the other. So bear with me as it is a little longer than most of my post.
Learn To Deal With It
Early summer, just after I finished the eighth grade, my monthly cycles started. By the third month, I had extreme cramps. When I went to Mom about it, her answer to me was crushing. "All women have the same problem and you will have to learn to deal with it." I never was able to talk to Mom about my pain and she never understood how bad it really was.
Four years I suffered, missing a week of school every month. Not one of the family knew how bad the pain got for me. I've never talked to any of them about those years. My sister Linda and brother James, were the ones that would check on me and ask how I was doing, but, I never told them how bad I was hurting.No one ever knew the amount of drugs I took to get through those five days each month. Mom would just remind me, I was not allowed to complain, just deal with it.
By my senior years the pain became intolerable. No one at school ever knew my problem. Never talked to a friend about it and no one ever asked why, I missed so much school.
Dr J. Tosh was the doctor God placed in my life, he was the only one that saw the tole the pain was having on me. In December of 1964 he stepped in and told Mom what would be done. He recognized the mental state I was in, but, never said anything to Mom. He talked to me about it two years later, just before David and I were married.
I was deeply wounded by the statement, "learn to deal with it". No one to share with and at times seemed no one cared. The distance between Mom and I was slow to heal. When I began seeking freedom through God's grace, I was able to see Mom from a different perspective. I can now look back and see how Satan used the pain in my life to drive a wedge between us. Thankfully the Lord helped me heal all the hurts and heartaches before Mom passed away.
Colossians 3:13-15 KJV
Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also are called in one body; and be ye thankful.
The Years Of Physical Pain
My life began with the protecting grace of God. Throughout my high school years, that grace protected and sustained me. Four years of physical and mental pain that my family knew very little about. I learned first, growing into a women would be accompanied with great pain. Each month only got worse for me. When I sought comfort and advice, I was told, it is a women's burden to bear. We all live with some a pain. Learn to deal with it. But, each month the pain got worse. Frustrated the doctors gave me medications for pain and my nerves. It did help, yet I missed a week of school every month. I had no one to talk to or share with and my grades always suffered.
Each month, though the pain was bearable with medication, it was still difficult. I did a lot of crying no one ever saw. Dr J. Tosh was the surgeon God placed in my life. The fourth year, my senior year, December 1964, the pain was no longer bearable physically or mentally, even with the medications. No one knew the amount of drugs I was taking just to get by each month. Mostly what no one knew or understood, my mind was no longer dealing with the pain.
That day in December, I was home alone, suddenly the fear, the loneliness, and the pain became overwhelming for me. I heard myself screaming and could not stop. I saw a large black hole and I was hanging onto the rim, knowing if I let go I would never find my way back. I knew my mind was about to snap and I had no way to stop it. When suddenly, the phone rang, it brought me out of the fear I was feeling. It was Mom. I met her in the driveway and we headed to the doctors office in Poplar Bluff. As I lay in the back seat crying, Mom said, "Brenda, you have to stop crying your making me nervous and it's hard to drive". Mom never heard me cry or saw another tear from me.
As I sat in Dr. Tosh's office, he kept watching me, as he and Mom talked. Finely, placing his hands palm down on his desk, he said, "Brenda has had enough, I'm putting her on birth control pills to stop per periods completely. It will get her through school without any more problems. After graduation we'll put her in the hospital for exploratory surgery. If nothing is found, we will clip the nerves, she will have her monthly cycle but without pain".
For six months, I actually learned what it was like to have somewhat of a normal life. It allowed my mind to heal and flush my system of all the medications I had been taking. Only the grace of God made it possible to set the medications aside with no affect or addiction. Fortunately I took the meds only for the five days they were needed.
On Monday, after graduation, I checked into the hospital for surgery the next day. I remember a class mate and friend from church, Susan was also in the hospital to have her tonsils out. She was not dealing with it and they had to put her to sleep. Her Mom came to see me. She asked,"You have no ideal what you are facing and yet you are so calm. What is giving you so much peace?' I don't remember what I told her. But, I somehow knew that it was going to be alright. I had faith and trust in my doctor. Today I have no doubt God's grace was sustaining me.
Family was told I'd be in surgery about forty five minutes. After more than three hours, they were told the doctor had found the problem. Several more hours passed and the nurses were avoiding the family. Finely eight and a half hours later surgery was over and I was in recovery. Dr. Tosh sat down and explained the problem to Mom. My female organs were extremely deformed. He took my uterus out, put it on a table, where he cut it into sections.Discarded some parts and them made a new one from the rest. He then put me back together. He also told Mom that my body could reject all he had done, so for seventy two hours he would keep me asleep. He wanted to make sure that there was no infection or rejection before I woke up.
I can still remember my three conversations during that time. The first I asked for Mom. My two aunts where with me. Mom had gone out for awhile but would be back soon. The nurse gave me shot and I was back to sleep. The second time, my sister Linda and cousin Sandra were with me. They were holding my arm down, I had jerked upward and that arm had needles in it. Dad was there the third time with flowers from David. I remember telling them I was cold. Another shot. After seventy two hours I started waking up, but I was in a private room with a private nurse. The surgery had been a success and I would be able to have a normal life for the first time.
Dr. Tosh continued to see me over the next two years for follow ups. In May 1967 I went to see him just weeks before David and I were married. We talked about my being able to have children. He told me I now had a chance, but to expect some problems. Possibly total bed rest. Might not be able to carry a baby full term. and I would have to have a c-section. During the surgery he had to remove the birth canal.
Before I left the office he talked about that December day in 1964. He said, "Brenda, your family never knew how bad the pain was or how it was effecting your mind, did they"! I shook my head no and he continued, "I saw it in your eyes that day. Your mind was no longer dealing with the pain.I knew we had to take steps that day to get you through until surgery and allow your mind to heal. I knew we were about to lose you. That is why I stopped your periods." He saw what was going on in my mind just by looking in my eyes, yet not one of my family had any idea how bad off I was.
I am so grateful to Dr. Tosh. He saved not only my life from living in pain, but my sanity as well. He made it possible for David and I to have two wonderful healthy little boys. Most of all I give thanks to God for his grace and protection through those years of physical pain and for the wisdom and knowledge that he gave Dr. Tosh.
I saw Dr. Tosh over the years. The last time was seventeen years after the surgery. I had to have one more surgery, he had to remove all the work he had originally done. His greatest delight was seeing our two little boys, Michael and James.
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