Last time I posted it was The Spirit Of Fear, that I shared. On a positive note I want to share about angels. We are told we have a guardian angel and God sends his messengers, the angles to bring news. There are wars being fought on our behalf in the heavens. At times those angels are answers to prayer. I'm reminded that we are often entertaining angels unaware. Today I want to share a time I said a specific prayer for angels, today our son is alive because of that prayer. Journey with me as I share, Traveling Grace. Angels are there to protect us, sometimes we just need to ask.
Traveling Grace
There are times we all pray for traveling grace and many have seen those prayers answered. One time I prayed a very different prayer for travel.
It was a normal day at work. I was on break when a call was transferred to me from my office, it was our son Mike. He was several hours away at college. We were excited about him coming home for Thanksgiving the next day. He asked me a strange question, "Can I come home early?" I was a little shocked and told him, "Son you never have to ask, you can come home anytime you want to." We talked for a few minutes and I told him we would have supper waiting when he got there.
I hung up the phone and started back to my office. As I went through the door way of the break room, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "Pray for Mike's travel." Down the hall, waiting for the elevator, riding the elevator down to my floor, then down the hall to my desk, I was praying a very different travel prayer. I went back to work and didn't think about it again. After work, I went home and told David and James that Mike would be home for supper.
As I stood at the kitchen sink, I saw Mike's car pull in the drive. The front door opened, but, Mike only stuck his head in the door and asked, "Who prayed?" David told him, "Son, we have all been praying for you." Mike said, "There was a specific prayer." I told him, I was lead to pray for his travel after he called and I asked him, "Why?" I knew the prayer had been answered.
When I left the the break room and began to pray, it was for traveling grace and I was suddenly praying for angels. I had never prayed for angels before, so, I was surprised. I continued to pray angels above and below the car, angels on both sides, and in front and back of the car. The car was encased in angels. Then angels throughout the car, the motor, and the engine were encased in angels. There was a cocoon of angels surrounding Mike.
Mike sat down at the table and began to tell us about his trip home. "As I started down a long hill, I noticed a car pulling out from a business at the bottom of the hill. I suddenly realized that the car was on my side of the road. I didn't know what to do. If I pulled into the other lane, the other car might pull into his own lane. Should I stay in my lane and hope the other car pulled into his own lane. There was no shoulder to pull off onto, only a ravine. On the left side of the highway was a fence and an incline. Suddenly I jerked the car to the right and heard gravel and then heard nothing. I realized I was suspended over the ravine. The other car, still in the wrong lane, passed by me and continued on. Again, I jerked the car to the left, the car returned to the gravel and then the pavement. As I looked in the rear view mirror, I saw the other car, still on the wrong side, go over the hill and out of sight."
Realization that the car had been suspended over the ravine, took his breath. Mike took a moment and said, "Thank you Lord for answering my prayer." The Lord said, "Mike, you forgot to pray." To that Mike said, "Thank you for your grace." The Lord said, "Someone prayed for you." None of us had any doubt, the Lord had answered that prayer.
Today, I pray for traveling grace, but, if the Lord quickens my spirit, there are angels and lots of them. I'm thankful I listened to the spirit that day. We might have had a different kind of travel report , if I hadn't.
(C) Copyright 2013 All right reserved.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
The Touch Of Fear
Over the past several days, reading other posts, fear has come up. So today I thought I would share my experience on one occasion with fear. I can remember a time in my life when fear paralyzed me. So afraid of what was coming, all I could do was scream. Another time so engulfed in fear in the dark, I could not move until the sun came up. God brought me through both of those experiences and gradually taught me about fear and that He did not give me a spirit of fear. When it finely dawned on me that fear is a spirit and not so much a feeling, I learned to stand my ground instead of giving in to the feelings.
When I had to face a breast biopsy, fear came over me but God gently reminded me, only the circumstance had changed but he was still God. and would bring me through whatever I had to face. Everything was fine, but, it taught me a lesson I have never forgotten. Our circumstance changed daily but, HE IS STILL GOD AND HE NEVER CHANGES.
One night the spirit of fear made a visit, I know that it was a spirit that visited me and I rebuke fear whenever it rears its ugly head.
Go with me on another Journey Of Grace, when The Touch Of Fear, came to visit.
The Touch Of Fear
Fear = This word in English has two principal meanings; first, that apprehension of evil which normally leads one either to flee or to fight. Second, that awe and reverence which man of sense feels in the presence of God and to a king or other dread authority.
July 19th, 2012. The heartache I felt, when I learned of the theater shooting in Colorado, just after midnight. A senseless killing. No one in that theater deserved to die, to be injured, or have to suffer the effects for years to come. My heart goes out to everyone that was touched by the sorrow of what that man has done.
I am reminded this man is not the real enemy. This mans enemy and ours, seeks to kill or destroy, each and everyone of us. He used one of us against another, all the time.It is only the grace of God and the acceptance of Christ as our Savior, that keeps us all from becoming the person behind the gun.
As I listened to different survivors, one young man really got my attention. Part of what he said was,"I had to wash the fear off of me."I was gripped by that because I do understand exactly what he was saying. I lived under fear for years. A fear that I would drown, or fall from an amusement park ride. I was afraid to take chances. I feared people, rejection, sickness, and most of all I feared being alone.
To be alone took me back to my high school year. I was terrified being home alone one December day. Feeling I was losing my mind and knew I would never find my way back. It took a doctor that recognized the signs to pull me through.
Over the years, fear would raise its ugly head from time to time. I had read in the Bible and heard Pastors say, that God does not give us a spirit of fear. When fear would overcome me, I learned to rebuke it and call on God's grace and peace for every circumstance in my life.
There came a time however that fear became a different realization to me. David was out of town, the boys were gone, and I was alone for the night. I went to bed but left lights on in the house, I didn't want the darkness. Not long after I lay down, I was suddenly startled by a very strange feeling on my right foot. Not in my foot, but, on my foot. I realized my foot was in fear, and a moment later my ankle was in fear, and it was moving up my leg. I know that sounds crazy, but, it was reality for me. I thought, what in the world is going on. The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart, "That is the spirit of fear touching you." I sat up in bed and said,"Satan, I refuse this spirit of fear. I rebuke you in the name of my Lord Jesus Christ and order you to leave." And then, "Lord, thank you for your peace and grace." I know the blood of Christ covers me, I lay back down and peacefully went to sleep.
Fear is a spirit that I refuse to allow to rule my life. Will I always be able to resist an attack.? I don't know, I'm not arrogant enough to say, I have it completely defeated. That would open me up for fear to challenge me, but, I pray God will always give me the wisdom and knowledge to recognize what is going on.
Yes, I do understand how the young man could say, "I need to wash away the fear." I pray those that are in fear because of what has happened in Colorado, will recognize that it is a spirit that is real and torments their lives, and they can call on the God that has defeated the father of fear.
(C) Copyright 2013 All right reserved.
When I had to face a breast biopsy, fear came over me but God gently reminded me, only the circumstance had changed but he was still God. and would bring me through whatever I had to face. Everything was fine, but, it taught me a lesson I have never forgotten. Our circumstance changed daily but, HE IS STILL GOD AND HE NEVER CHANGES.
One night the spirit of fear made a visit, I know that it was a spirit that visited me and I rebuke fear whenever it rears its ugly head.
Go with me on another Journey Of Grace, when The Touch Of Fear, came to visit.
The Touch Of Fear
Fear = This word in English has two principal meanings; first, that apprehension of evil which normally leads one either to flee or to fight. Second, that awe and reverence which man of sense feels in the presence of God and to a king or other dread authority.
July 19th, 2012. The heartache I felt, when I learned of the theater shooting in Colorado, just after midnight. A senseless killing. No one in that theater deserved to die, to be injured, or have to suffer the effects for years to come. My heart goes out to everyone that was touched by the sorrow of what that man has done.
I am reminded this man is not the real enemy. This mans enemy and ours, seeks to kill or destroy, each and everyone of us. He used one of us against another, all the time.It is only the grace of God and the acceptance of Christ as our Savior, that keeps us all from becoming the person behind the gun.
As I listened to different survivors, one young man really got my attention. Part of what he said was,"I had to wash the fear off of me."I was gripped by that because I do understand exactly what he was saying. I lived under fear for years. A fear that I would drown, or fall from an amusement park ride. I was afraid to take chances. I feared people, rejection, sickness, and most of all I feared being alone.
To be alone took me back to my high school year. I was terrified being home alone one December day. Feeling I was losing my mind and knew I would never find my way back. It took a doctor that recognized the signs to pull me through.
Over the years, fear would raise its ugly head from time to time. I had read in the Bible and heard Pastors say, that God does not give us a spirit of fear. When fear would overcome me, I learned to rebuke it and call on God's grace and peace for every circumstance in my life.
There came a time however that fear became a different realization to me. David was out of town, the boys were gone, and I was alone for the night. I went to bed but left lights on in the house, I didn't want the darkness. Not long after I lay down, I was suddenly startled by a very strange feeling on my right foot. Not in my foot, but, on my foot. I realized my foot was in fear, and a moment later my ankle was in fear, and it was moving up my leg. I know that sounds crazy, but, it was reality for me. I thought, what in the world is going on. The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart, "That is the spirit of fear touching you." I sat up in bed and said,"Satan, I refuse this spirit of fear. I rebuke you in the name of my Lord Jesus Christ and order you to leave." And then, "Lord, thank you for your peace and grace." I know the blood of Christ covers me, I lay back down and peacefully went to sleep.
Fear is a spirit that I refuse to allow to rule my life. Will I always be able to resist an attack.? I don't know, I'm not arrogant enough to say, I have it completely defeated. That would open me up for fear to challenge me, but, I pray God will always give me the wisdom and knowledge to recognize what is going on.
Yes, I do understand how the young man could say, "I need to wash away the fear." I pray those that are in fear because of what has happened in Colorado, will recognize that it is a spirit that is real and torments their lives, and they can call on the God that has defeated the father of fear.
(C) Copyright 2013 All right reserved.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Scales Of Grace
As we watch the news, there are up to date information on trials. Many Judge shows and accusations of wrong doing by someone or a government agency. But I ask "Do we measure wrong the same way God does" I think not. We take offences personally or its against something we believe and we weigh it from that view. But how does God measure the wrongs that are done in this world. God looks at the heart, we look at the actions, which shows more justice.
Scales Of Grace
How do we measure sin, is it on a scale of 1 to 10? What sin should be least and what sin should be the worst? Many do not look at themselves and admit to their own sin, but, are more than willing to point out those of another.
Would the disobedience of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden be the least? After all it was the first, should God have over looked that sin? It wasn't that big of a sin, only disobedience, we all have done that at some time in our life. However, that one bite of the fruit has brought us to where we are today.
We get angry when someone lies or steals from us, yet, we overlook our own attitudes, or the gossip we spread, saying, "It's only a prayer request". How often do we pass judgement when someone ignores us or speaks in anger? Does murder, rape, and child abuse weigh heavy on the scales of sin? Words said in anger and hate, do they weigh lite on that scale? Where does it weigh, when in anger and fear we lash out at God with words that a Christian should never speak?
How do we or how should we measure the degree of sin? Should it be on a scale of 1 to 10? There is no scale we can use to measure sin! We can only set a punishment as we see it should be for those convicted of a crime against another. Seems to me we haven't done to good of a job even with that. How dare we be so arrogant and critical of one another.
What scale does our Heavenly Father use? Does he see the one who was abused as a child and now uses drugs, as one he should over look their sins? Should he say, "It's OK", to the one that has an abortion because of incest or rape? The one that beats and kills another, is God to over look them too, because of the way they were raised? I'm thankful he is the judge!
God's scale is called GRACE! The grace of forgiveness. He doesn't overlook the things that have happened to us, or the things we have done, but, we are required with the help of the Holy Spirit to forgive our offenders and ourselves. Then God will forgive us.
God gave His only begotten Son, to pay the price for our sins. Christ gave His life for you and for me. No matter what we have done, that forgiveness is for each of us and gives us eternal life with Him. Salvation with freedom and peace is offered to everyone.
When Christ died on the cross, he paid the same price for every sin that was committed, or will ever be committed. The price of death made every sin equal.
Romans 6:23 KJV
For the wages of sin is death: but, the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
(C) Copyright 2013 All right reserved.
Scales Of Grace
How do we measure sin, is it on a scale of 1 to 10? What sin should be least and what sin should be the worst? Many do not look at themselves and admit to their own sin, but, are more than willing to point out those of another.
Would the disobedience of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden be the least? After all it was the first, should God have over looked that sin? It wasn't that big of a sin, only disobedience, we all have done that at some time in our life. However, that one bite of the fruit has brought us to where we are today.
We get angry when someone lies or steals from us, yet, we overlook our own attitudes, or the gossip we spread, saying, "It's only a prayer request". How often do we pass judgement when someone ignores us or speaks in anger? Does murder, rape, and child abuse weigh heavy on the scales of sin? Words said in anger and hate, do they weigh lite on that scale? Where does it weigh, when in anger and fear we lash out at God with words that a Christian should never speak?
How do we or how should we measure the degree of sin? Should it be on a scale of 1 to 10? There is no scale we can use to measure sin! We can only set a punishment as we see it should be for those convicted of a crime against another. Seems to me we haven't done to good of a job even with that. How dare we be so arrogant and critical of one another.
What scale does our Heavenly Father use? Does he see the one who was abused as a child and now uses drugs, as one he should over look their sins? Should he say, "It's OK", to the one that has an abortion because of incest or rape? The one that beats and kills another, is God to over look them too, because of the way they were raised? I'm thankful he is the judge!
God's scale is called GRACE! The grace of forgiveness. He doesn't overlook the things that have happened to us, or the things we have done, but, we are required with the help of the Holy Spirit to forgive our offenders and ourselves. Then God will forgive us.
God gave His only begotten Son, to pay the price for our sins. Christ gave His life for you and for me. No matter what we have done, that forgiveness is for each of us and gives us eternal life with Him. Salvation with freedom and peace is offered to everyone.
When Christ died on the cross, he paid the same price for every sin that was committed, or will ever be committed. The price of death made every sin equal.
Romans 6:23 KJV
For the wages of sin is death: but, the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
(C) Copyright 2013 All right reserved.
Friday, June 28, 2013
The Hero /The Bride /My Wedding Gown
Today is my 46th Wedding Anniversary. In honor of that I want to share 3 writings today. My Wedding Gown, describes the gown my sister Phyllis made for me. Knowing she had taken the time to create my gown made it ever more special on that day. The Hero and The Bride comes from Bible studies I have done. This is not only a look at a bride and groom but how our Lord wishes to be a part of our lives. God sees each of us as the beautiful bride and his desire is that we look to him as that hero in our lives. The groom we are all waiting for.
The Hero
Tall, dark, and handsome, strong, and wise, that is how the hero is seen in the dreams of the bride. He is a hero of great character. Dark in the mysteries of life, guarded until shared with his bride. Handsome in the eyes of his beloved, for it comes from the beauty of his heart. Strong and standing firm in the times of need. Wisely seeking council for the decisions he makes for home and family.
The hero, speaks gently of love to his bribe. He hears her words and gives wise council. Always standing firm on her behalf, never cruel or hurtful, safety and rest is found in his arms. He is strong but not brutal, wise but not arrogant. He is kind and gentle, but, never weak. His prayers sustain her in times of need. The true hero is a reflection of God from deep with his soul. Short, pale, and plain, it does not matter. Tall, dark, and handsome, he is a hero, in the eyes of his bride.
The Bride
Captivating, inviting, desirable, a beauty beyond compare. Beckoning to her love to come near, a deep desire to be as one. A jewel of great value, within her flows the river of life. Is this the things she wants her bridegroom to see, has she stolen his heart? Will he be delighted in the riches of her?
So many young girls start out with doubts and fears, hiding the true woman inside. Wondering, will a prince ever find me? She doesn't see the power of her beauty. A desire in her heart to create a home fit for a king. Decorated in love and comfort not found in a wilderness life. Reaching out for the world to recognize her mate.
Does he see the beauty hidden within? A vision of the creator God reflected in the heart of the beautiful bride. Captivated by her beauty, she is reflected, and see in a delicate snowflake. Found in the clouds on a sunny day, the reflection of God in all her ways. The form of the body, the face of a child, making her king drunk with desire. The bride and the groom meant to share in the marriage of life.
The Wedding Gown
As I made plans for my wedding day, I knew there was no money for a wedding gown. I searched and found a beautiful brocaded satin and picked out a patter. My sister, Phyllis, said, she would make my gown for me.
The gown had an empire waist, a straight line fit that went to the top of my foot. A matching train attached at the shoulder, the same length as the gown and could be removed. The sleeves were slim and came to a point om the top of the hand. Between the sleeves and the back of the gown there were seventy two satin buttons. The gown was perfect in every way, especially because my sister had created it for me. To me money could not have purchased a more beautiful gown.
Phyllis gave me more than just the gift of a handmade gown. This was the first time in my life, I felt I was beautiful. As a beautiful bride, I did not feel so plain. I still have my gown and had hoped for a little girl to pass it on it. However, God gave us two wonderful sons. The gown is priceless to me because of the way it made me feel, but, most of all because of who made it for me.
(C) Copyright June 2013 All rights reserved.
The Hero
Tall, dark, and handsome, strong, and wise, that is how the hero is seen in the dreams of the bride. He is a hero of great character. Dark in the mysteries of life, guarded until shared with his bride. Handsome in the eyes of his beloved, for it comes from the beauty of his heart. Strong and standing firm in the times of need. Wisely seeking council for the decisions he makes for home and family.
The hero, speaks gently of love to his bribe. He hears her words and gives wise council. Always standing firm on her behalf, never cruel or hurtful, safety and rest is found in his arms. He is strong but not brutal, wise but not arrogant. He is kind and gentle, but, never weak. His prayers sustain her in times of need. The true hero is a reflection of God from deep with his soul. Short, pale, and plain, it does not matter. Tall, dark, and handsome, he is a hero, in the eyes of his bride.
The Bride
Captivating, inviting, desirable, a beauty beyond compare. Beckoning to her love to come near, a deep desire to be as one. A jewel of great value, within her flows the river of life. Is this the things she wants her bridegroom to see, has she stolen his heart? Will he be delighted in the riches of her?
So many young girls start out with doubts and fears, hiding the true woman inside. Wondering, will a prince ever find me? She doesn't see the power of her beauty. A desire in her heart to create a home fit for a king. Decorated in love and comfort not found in a wilderness life. Reaching out for the world to recognize her mate.
Does he see the beauty hidden within? A vision of the creator God reflected in the heart of the beautiful bride. Captivated by her beauty, she is reflected, and see in a delicate snowflake. Found in the clouds on a sunny day, the reflection of God in all her ways. The form of the body, the face of a child, making her king drunk with desire. The bride and the groom meant to share in the marriage of life.
The Wedding Gown
As I made plans for my wedding day, I knew there was no money for a wedding gown. I searched and found a beautiful brocaded satin and picked out a patter. My sister, Phyllis, said, she would make my gown for me.
The gown had an empire waist, a straight line fit that went to the top of my foot. A matching train attached at the shoulder, the same length as the gown and could be removed. The sleeves were slim and came to a point om the top of the hand. Between the sleeves and the back of the gown there were seventy two satin buttons. The gown was perfect in every way, especially because my sister had created it for me. To me money could not have purchased a more beautiful gown.
Phyllis gave me more than just the gift of a handmade gown. This was the first time in my life, I felt I was beautiful. As a beautiful bride, I did not feel so plain. I still have my gown and had hoped for a little girl to pass it on it. However, God gave us two wonderful sons. The gown is priceless to me because of the way it made me feel, but, most of all because of who made it for me.
(C) Copyright June 2013 All rights reserved.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Miracle Of Two Sons
In honor of my new Grand Daughter, Wren Earendil Eldred,born Wednesday June 19th, 2013, I want to share the Miracle Of Two Sons. We had been told we probably would not have children. Thankfully God had other plans for us. Now 48 years after surgery for a deformed uterus, I now have a wonderful little grandson, Jonah and his baby sister, Wren. God is so good. My two boys, Jonah and Wren are miracles from God.
Miracle Of Two Sons
As I have shared in other writings, at eighteen I went through surgery to correct a deformed uterus. Talking with my doctor just before David and I were married, Dr. Tosh, told me there was a chance I could have children, he just wasn't sure. He said, "If", I became pregnant, I would most likely have to be on total bed rest and that the delivery would have to be by C-section.
Five years after David and I married, I was expecting our first son. Due date was October twenty fifth. I felt good, rarely had morning sickness, could not eat eggs, or drink orange juice. My one craving, Pepperidge Farm frozen Coconut Cake. Never had to go on bed rest. On October eighteenth, our son Michael was delivered by C-section. We knew we had a miracle from God. It was his grace that made it possible.
A few years after mike was born, I started having some problems and had to take hormone shots about every six to nine months. In November, after Mike turned four, I went in for a shot, but, this one gave me a lot of problems. I had sever back back pain, carried pillows with me, to sit on all the time. My nerves were a mess, and I cried over everything. In February, I returned to see Dr. Tosh, it was determined I needed a complete hysterectomy. Date was set for six weeks later. I checked into the hospital in Memphis on Sunday afternoon for surgery on Monday morning. The hospital ran blood test throughout the night. The next morning instead of preparing me for surgery, Dr. Tosh came in my room and said," Brenda, I don't do this surgery on pregnant women." I took a migraine headache with that announcement. The second pregnancy had a lot of ups and downs. Five years later, there I was expecting again, due date was set for, October twenty fifth.
This little one was very active, sucked his thumb, had hiccups and loved to kick. On the sixth of October, he decided to make a grand appearance. James had to be delivered emergency C-section.
I was so uncomfortable all that day. They gave me a baby shower after work and I was unable to lean forward to pick up the gifts to unwrap. On the way home we stopped at KFC and picked up supper to go. After eating and still miserable, I decided a soak in a warm tub would feel great, and it did. However, when I got out I had started to hemorrhage.
Telling David I just did not feel good and I was going to call the doctor. The doctor didn't think it was anything serious but wanted me to meet him at the hospital. When I told David what was going on, he turned a little white, grabbed our son Mike and ran to the neighbors on the north, no one was home. He then ran to the neighbors on the south of us. As they opened the door, he scooted Mike inside and said, "On our way to the hospital."
At the hospital, there was the doctor waiting, in his tennis shorts. I had interrupted his plans for tennis that night. After examining me, he informed me, I had been in labor for hours (no birth canal, so no contractions). As fast as they could prep me and get a surgical team together, I would be going into surgery. The doctor asked me if I had eaten, telling him I had KFC, he said they could not put me to sleep. It would make me extremely sick, I would have to have a spinal injection. So, I was wide awake, 45 minutes after walking in the hospital door, our second son, James, was delivered. David got to touch his son just moments after he was born and walk with them as he was taken to the nursery. James has never slowed down, still as active as he was when I carried him.
It was the grace of Go, that made these two pregnancies possible. I was able to carry both full term with no major complications and no bed rest. Both Mike, 8.7 pounds and James, 8 pounds, were in good health. God gave us two precious sons. We can only give God the glory, and praise, and say, "they were God's first and he loaned them to us to raise." What a privilege we were given.
© Copyright 2013 All rights reserved.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Dad And I
Tomorrow is Fathers Day. Not the easiest for me to write about but maybe it will help someone who struggles with whether or not their dad loved them. Dad and I were never close, his dad dies before I was born. Grandpa Aarant, I liked him, but I was young when he passed away. The one that was more like a dad and was my strength and encourager growing up was my brother (my buddy) James. Yet I knew my dad loved me but never showed it. There was a day in my young life that I knew dad loved me and was there when I needed him. If your relationship with your dad is or was strained, after reading my story, look back in your life and see if you can find a time that your dad was there for you and know he did love you. Life often becomes overwhelming, parents and children get separated, the relationship broken. Find peace knowing he did love you, always have and always will or did, but just didn't know how to break down the barriers. Dad I love you and miss you. I'll see you again one day. What a day that will be.
Dad And I
Looking back over my life, I sadly realized, Dad and I never really bonded. As far back as I could remember, our relationship was always strained. My brother, James, was the one that made me feel accepted and that I was OK. I grew up feeling Dad never cared for me. He never once asked my side of any situation, but believed whatever someone said about me and punished me for it. Yet, somehow I knew he did love me. He just didn't know how to show it.
That feeling haunted me for many years. Why couldn't I gain his approval? As I started to journal years ago and deal with issues in my past, I was able to recall the end of one of my memories, it concerned the doctor's dog. I was probably in the first grade, mom had taken us to the family grocery store in downtown Dexter. Often Linda and I played in front of the store, skipping on the sidewalk. That day I skipped to the adjacent doctors office. Just as I got there doctor came out with his dog, a Boxer. I scared the dag and he jumped at me growling. I turned, and started running, and screaming all the way past the grocery store, around the corner, and down the alley, I went. Mom yelled, "Jimmy catch her." yelling back Dad asked, "Which way did she go?" "Down the alley", was the reply. Running through the store and out the back door, Dad caught me up in his arms and held me tight. I knew I was safe.
I know that Dad did care and had come to my rescue, when as a little girl, I needed my Daddy most. A lot of heartaches healed, just from that one memory. Even today, I am not fond of Boxers.
Shortly after that incident Grandma Carney passed away and a three year battle over the estate began. I believe Dad became over whelmed with life and all the responsibilities he had, there just wasn't much time or energy left for the kids.
© Copyright 2013 All rights reserved.
Dad And I
Looking back over my life, I sadly realized, Dad and I never really bonded. As far back as I could remember, our relationship was always strained. My brother, James, was the one that made me feel accepted and that I was OK. I grew up feeling Dad never cared for me. He never once asked my side of any situation, but believed whatever someone said about me and punished me for it. Yet, somehow I knew he did love me. He just didn't know how to show it.
That feeling haunted me for many years. Why couldn't I gain his approval? As I started to journal years ago and deal with issues in my past, I was able to recall the end of one of my memories, it concerned the doctor's dog. I was probably in the first grade, mom had taken us to the family grocery store in downtown Dexter. Often Linda and I played in front of the store, skipping on the sidewalk. That day I skipped to the adjacent doctors office. Just as I got there doctor came out with his dog, a Boxer. I scared the dag and he jumped at me growling. I turned, and started running, and screaming all the way past the grocery store, around the corner, and down the alley, I went. Mom yelled, "Jimmy catch her." yelling back Dad asked, "Which way did she go?" "Down the alley", was the reply. Running through the store and out the back door, Dad caught me up in his arms and held me tight. I knew I was safe.
I know that Dad did care and had come to my rescue, when as a little girl, I needed my Daddy most. A lot of heartaches healed, just from that one memory. Even today, I am not fond of Boxers.
Shortly after that incident Grandma Carney passed away and a three year battle over the estate began. I believe Dad became over whelmed with life and all the responsibilities he had, there just wasn't much time or energy left for the kids.
© Copyright 2013 All rights reserved.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Learn To Deal With It and The Years Of Physical Pain
With all the storms and death and destruction, we hear others make comments that really are offensive. People mean well but really don't understand what someone is going through. One of those comments is, Learn To Deal With It. However until you know and have some understanding of what you are going through, it is hard to deal with. As a young teenager, I heard that comment and it was devastating to me. What followed was four years of physical pain that no one understood and no one knew why. That one comment nearly destroyed my life.
Because of that experience, today I have a lot more compassion and understanding for others. I do not look at someone and simply say, that's part of life and you just deal with it. God gives us knowledge and wisdom and then grace to walk through the tough times that we don't understand. He can use those times to help us grow better or we can become bitter at life. For me, I refuse to be bitter just because we didn't know all the facts.Walk with me as I share a very difficult time in my life.I share both of these writings together because they are so much a part of the other. So bear with me as it is a little longer than most of my post.
Learn To Deal With It
Early summer, just after I finished the eighth grade, my monthly cycles started. By the third month, I had extreme cramps. When I went to Mom about it, her answer to me was crushing. "All women have the same problem and you will have to learn to deal with it." I never was able to talk to Mom about my pain and she never understood how bad it really was.
Four years I suffered, missing a week of school every month. Not one of the family knew how bad the pain got for me. I've never talked to any of them about those years. My sister Linda and brother James, were the ones that would check on me and ask how I was doing, but, I never told them how bad I was hurting.No one ever knew the amount of drugs I took to get through those five days each month. Mom would just remind me, I was not allowed to complain, just deal with it.
By my senior years the pain became intolerable. No one at school ever knew my problem. Never talked to a friend about it and no one ever asked why, I missed so much school.
Dr J. Tosh was the doctor God placed in my life, he was the only one that saw the tole the pain was having on me. In December of 1964 he stepped in and told Mom what would be done. He recognized the mental state I was in, but, never said anything to Mom. He talked to me about it two years later, just before David and I were married.
I was deeply wounded by the statement, "learn to deal with it". No one to share with and at times seemed no one cared. The distance between Mom and I was slow to heal. When I began seeking freedom through God's grace, I was able to see Mom from a different perspective. I can now look back and see how Satan used the pain in my life to drive a wedge between us. Thankfully the Lord helped me heal all the hurts and heartaches before Mom passed away.
Colossians 3:13-15 KJV
Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also are called in one body; and be ye thankful.
The Years Of Physical Pain
My life began with the protecting grace of God. Throughout my high school years, that grace protected and sustained me. Four years of physical and mental pain that my family knew very little about. I learned first, growing into a women would be accompanied with great pain. Each month only got worse for me. When I sought comfort and advice, I was told, it is a women's burden to bear. We all live with some a pain. Learn to deal with it. But, each month the pain got worse. Frustrated the doctors gave me medications for pain and my nerves. It did help, yet I missed a week of school every month. I had no one to talk to or share with and my grades always suffered.
Each month, though the pain was bearable with medication, it was still difficult. I did a lot of crying no one ever saw. Dr J. Tosh was the surgeon God placed in my life. The fourth year, my senior year, December 1964, the pain was no longer bearable physically or mentally, even with the medications. No one knew the amount of drugs I was taking just to get by each month. Mostly what no one knew or understood, my mind was no longer dealing with the pain.
That day in December, I was home alone, suddenly the fear, the loneliness, and the pain became overwhelming for me. I heard myself screaming and could not stop. I saw a large black hole and I was hanging onto the rim, knowing if I let go I would never find my way back. I knew my mind was about to snap and I had no way to stop it. When suddenly, the phone rang, it brought me out of the fear I was feeling. It was Mom. I met her in the driveway and we headed to the doctors office in Poplar Bluff. As I lay in the back seat crying, Mom said, "Brenda, you have to stop crying your making me nervous and it's hard to drive". Mom never heard me cry or saw another tear from me.
As I sat in Dr. Tosh's office, he kept watching me, as he and Mom talked. Finely, placing his hands palm down on his desk, he said, "Brenda has had enough, I'm putting her on birth control pills to stop per periods completely. It will get her through school without any more problems. After graduation we'll put her in the hospital for exploratory surgery. If nothing is found, we will clip the nerves, she will have her monthly cycle but without pain".
For six months, I actually learned what it was like to have somewhat of a normal life. It allowed my mind to heal and flush my system of all the medications I had been taking. Only the grace of God made it possible to set the medications aside with no affect or addiction. Fortunately I took the meds only for the five days they were needed.
On Monday, after graduation, I checked into the hospital for surgery the next day. I remember a class mate and friend from church, Susan was also in the hospital to have her tonsils out. She was not dealing with it and they had to put her to sleep. Her Mom came to see me. She asked,"You have no ideal what you are facing and yet you are so calm. What is giving you so much peace?' I don't remember what I told her. But, I somehow knew that it was going to be alright. I had faith and trust in my doctor. Today I have no doubt God's grace was sustaining me.
Family was told I'd be in surgery about forty five minutes. After more than three hours, they were told the doctor had found the problem. Several more hours passed and the nurses were avoiding the family. Finely eight and a half hours later surgery was over and I was in recovery. Dr. Tosh sat down and explained the problem to Mom. My female organs were extremely deformed. He took my uterus out, put it on a table, where he cut it into sections.Discarded some parts and them made a new one from the rest. He then put me back together. He also told Mom that my body could reject all he had done, so for seventy two hours he would keep me asleep. He wanted to make sure that there was no infection or rejection before I woke up.
I can still remember my three conversations during that time. The first I asked for Mom. My two aunts where with me. Mom had gone out for awhile but would be back soon. The nurse gave me shot and I was back to sleep. The second time, my sister Linda and cousin Sandra were with me. They were holding my arm down, I had jerked upward and that arm had needles in it. Dad was there the third time with flowers from David. I remember telling them I was cold. Another shot. After seventy two hours I started waking up, but I was in a private room with a private nurse. The surgery had been a success and I would be able to have a normal life for the first time.
Dr. Tosh continued to see me over the next two years for follow ups. In May 1967 I went to see him just weeks before David and I were married. We talked about my being able to have children. He told me I now had a chance, but to expect some problems. Possibly total bed rest. Might not be able to carry a baby full term. and I would have to have a c-section. During the surgery he had to remove the birth canal.
Before I left the office he talked about that December day in 1964. He said, "Brenda, your family never knew how bad the pain was or how it was effecting your mind, did they"! I shook my head no and he continued, "I saw it in your eyes that day. Your mind was no longer dealing with the pain.I knew we had to take steps that day to get you through until surgery and allow your mind to heal. I knew we were about to lose you. That is why I stopped your periods." He saw what was going on in my mind just by looking in my eyes, yet not one of my family had any idea how bad off I was.
I am so grateful to Dr. Tosh. He saved not only my life from living in pain, but my sanity as well. He made it possible for David and I to have two wonderful healthy little boys. Most of all I give thanks to God for his grace and protection through those years of physical pain and for the wisdom and knowledge that he gave Dr. Tosh.
I saw Dr. Tosh over the years. The last time was seventeen years after the surgery. I had to have one more surgery, he had to remove all the work he had originally done. His greatest delight was seeing our two little boys, Michael and James.
(C) Copyright. All rights reserved 2013
Because of that experience, today I have a lot more compassion and understanding for others. I do not look at someone and simply say, that's part of life and you just deal with it. God gives us knowledge and wisdom and then grace to walk through the tough times that we don't understand. He can use those times to help us grow better or we can become bitter at life. For me, I refuse to be bitter just because we didn't know all the facts.Walk with me as I share a very difficult time in my life.I share both of these writings together because they are so much a part of the other. So bear with me as it is a little longer than most of my post.
Learn To Deal With It
Early summer, just after I finished the eighth grade, my monthly cycles started. By the third month, I had extreme cramps. When I went to Mom about it, her answer to me was crushing. "All women have the same problem and you will have to learn to deal with it." I never was able to talk to Mom about my pain and she never understood how bad it really was.
Four years I suffered, missing a week of school every month. Not one of the family knew how bad the pain got for me. I've never talked to any of them about those years. My sister Linda and brother James, were the ones that would check on me and ask how I was doing, but, I never told them how bad I was hurting.No one ever knew the amount of drugs I took to get through those five days each month. Mom would just remind me, I was not allowed to complain, just deal with it.
By my senior years the pain became intolerable. No one at school ever knew my problem. Never talked to a friend about it and no one ever asked why, I missed so much school.
Dr J. Tosh was the doctor God placed in my life, he was the only one that saw the tole the pain was having on me. In December of 1964 he stepped in and told Mom what would be done. He recognized the mental state I was in, but, never said anything to Mom. He talked to me about it two years later, just before David and I were married.
I was deeply wounded by the statement, "learn to deal with it". No one to share with and at times seemed no one cared. The distance between Mom and I was slow to heal. When I began seeking freedom through God's grace, I was able to see Mom from a different perspective. I can now look back and see how Satan used the pain in my life to drive a wedge between us. Thankfully the Lord helped me heal all the hurts and heartaches before Mom passed away.
Colossians 3:13-15 KJV
Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also are called in one body; and be ye thankful.
The Years Of Physical Pain
My life began with the protecting grace of God. Throughout my high school years, that grace protected and sustained me. Four years of physical and mental pain that my family knew very little about. I learned first, growing into a women would be accompanied with great pain. Each month only got worse for me. When I sought comfort and advice, I was told, it is a women's burden to bear. We all live with some a pain. Learn to deal with it. But, each month the pain got worse. Frustrated the doctors gave me medications for pain and my nerves. It did help, yet I missed a week of school every month. I had no one to talk to or share with and my grades always suffered.
Each month, though the pain was bearable with medication, it was still difficult. I did a lot of crying no one ever saw. Dr J. Tosh was the surgeon God placed in my life. The fourth year, my senior year, December 1964, the pain was no longer bearable physically or mentally, even with the medications. No one knew the amount of drugs I was taking just to get by each month. Mostly what no one knew or understood, my mind was no longer dealing with the pain.
That day in December, I was home alone, suddenly the fear, the loneliness, and the pain became overwhelming for me. I heard myself screaming and could not stop. I saw a large black hole and I was hanging onto the rim, knowing if I let go I would never find my way back. I knew my mind was about to snap and I had no way to stop it. When suddenly, the phone rang, it brought me out of the fear I was feeling. It was Mom. I met her in the driveway and we headed to the doctors office in Poplar Bluff. As I lay in the back seat crying, Mom said, "Brenda, you have to stop crying your making me nervous and it's hard to drive". Mom never heard me cry or saw another tear from me.
As I sat in Dr. Tosh's office, he kept watching me, as he and Mom talked. Finely, placing his hands palm down on his desk, he said, "Brenda has had enough, I'm putting her on birth control pills to stop per periods completely. It will get her through school without any more problems. After graduation we'll put her in the hospital for exploratory surgery. If nothing is found, we will clip the nerves, she will have her monthly cycle but without pain".
For six months, I actually learned what it was like to have somewhat of a normal life. It allowed my mind to heal and flush my system of all the medications I had been taking. Only the grace of God made it possible to set the medications aside with no affect or addiction. Fortunately I took the meds only for the five days they were needed.
On Monday, after graduation, I checked into the hospital for surgery the next day. I remember a class mate and friend from church, Susan was also in the hospital to have her tonsils out. She was not dealing with it and they had to put her to sleep. Her Mom came to see me. She asked,"You have no ideal what you are facing and yet you are so calm. What is giving you so much peace?' I don't remember what I told her. But, I somehow knew that it was going to be alright. I had faith and trust in my doctor. Today I have no doubt God's grace was sustaining me.
Family was told I'd be in surgery about forty five minutes. After more than three hours, they were told the doctor had found the problem. Several more hours passed and the nurses were avoiding the family. Finely eight and a half hours later surgery was over and I was in recovery. Dr. Tosh sat down and explained the problem to Mom. My female organs were extremely deformed. He took my uterus out, put it on a table, where he cut it into sections.Discarded some parts and them made a new one from the rest. He then put me back together. He also told Mom that my body could reject all he had done, so for seventy two hours he would keep me asleep. He wanted to make sure that there was no infection or rejection before I woke up.
I can still remember my three conversations during that time. The first I asked for Mom. My two aunts where with me. Mom had gone out for awhile but would be back soon. The nurse gave me shot and I was back to sleep. The second time, my sister Linda and cousin Sandra were with me. They were holding my arm down, I had jerked upward and that arm had needles in it. Dad was there the third time with flowers from David. I remember telling them I was cold. Another shot. After seventy two hours I started waking up, but I was in a private room with a private nurse. The surgery had been a success and I would be able to have a normal life for the first time.
Dr. Tosh continued to see me over the next two years for follow ups. In May 1967 I went to see him just weeks before David and I were married. We talked about my being able to have children. He told me I now had a chance, but to expect some problems. Possibly total bed rest. Might not be able to carry a baby full term. and I would have to have a c-section. During the surgery he had to remove the birth canal.
Before I left the office he talked about that December day in 1964. He said, "Brenda, your family never knew how bad the pain was or how it was effecting your mind, did they"! I shook my head no and he continued, "I saw it in your eyes that day. Your mind was no longer dealing with the pain.I knew we had to take steps that day to get you through until surgery and allow your mind to heal. I knew we were about to lose you. That is why I stopped your periods." He saw what was going on in my mind just by looking in my eyes, yet not one of my family had any idea how bad off I was.
I am so grateful to Dr. Tosh. He saved not only my life from living in pain, but my sanity as well. He made it possible for David and I to have two wonderful healthy little boys. Most of all I give thanks to God for his grace and protection through those years of physical pain and for the wisdom and knowledge that he gave Dr. Tosh.
I saw Dr. Tosh over the years. The last time was seventeen years after the surgery. I had to have one more surgery, he had to remove all the work he had originally done. His greatest delight was seeing our two little boys, Michael and James.
(C) Copyright. All rights reserved 2013
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